If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
