College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Randomize