I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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