Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
