Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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