There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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