Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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