So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
