it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
