I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
