I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
