Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
