You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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