why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
