My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think your dad took our porno
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
