dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
