saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
