my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
