yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
