Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
