friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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