You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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