U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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