Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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