I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
