he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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