The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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