im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
