Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
