i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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