This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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