I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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