how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I supernannyed him into submission
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
