I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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