Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
