wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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