The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
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