I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.