You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
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make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.