Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
