i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
