Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
