Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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