Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
