so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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