Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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