my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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