im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
