Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
