The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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