just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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