1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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