rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
