then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
