i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
my liver is dry heaving
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
