i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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