Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Found your dick twin last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The convent might be a nice break from real life
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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