Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
