do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
