I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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