When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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