i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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