i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
